Category: social anxiety disorder

Giving Ourselves Permission Fail at Something

failure

Self-doubt is essentially about the fear of failure, and when we practice self-confidence and move forward anyway, we build on that confidence — just as we build courage the more we step up in the presence of fear.

The most successful people have failed more times than most people even try. The danger is mostly to the ego, but that can recover.

Giving ourselves permission to fail in an endeavor could lead to something great; if we don’t make it the first time, we get to learn from what we did wrong. Then we can try again at that same challenge or pivot and apply what we’ve learned to another similar task or something altogether different.

When we fail — and if we’re actually trying and taking risks, we probably will — but can’t focus on the failure itself but on what led to it and what we can learn from the experience.

Those who become the people they want to be, choose to focus on what they can learn from their failures instead of getting stuck in a failure is inevitable mentality.

What this mentality says is “maybe other people could succeed at this, but not me…whatever I do, I’m bound to fail.” But again this isn’t based on fact but on a fear-based assumption.

The fact is that if we survived this failure, we can learn from it and do better next time – at the same challenge or a different one.

And we owe it to ourselves to keep moving in a growth-oriented direction.

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We are not our mistakes. What determines our outcome and the person we become is how we handle those mistakes.

We need to stop listening to people who doubt us.

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It’s hard enough dealing with the voices of self-doubt inside our heads; we don’t need to be around people who reinforce those thoughts.

Just because someone else hasn’t dealt with their own self-doubt doesn’t mean they get to drag us down with them.

If they’re stuck in a defeatist mentality, we need to try to avoid conversations that will lead to negative rants about their potential or ours.

In some cases, we’ll need to simply avoid these people as much as we can, just as we do the drama vampires. Every conversation turns into a negative monologue or tears us down. We can’t give them the opportunity.

Instead, we need to hang out with people who build us up, who are unabashedly self-confident, and who set an example of growth that inspires us to keep moving forward. Spending more time with people who believe in themselves is contagious. We need to give ourselves a vote of confidence.  We can’t wait for someone else to pick up the pieces and tell us that we’re enough, and “we can do this.” We have a responsibility to ourselves, as well as to others.

We need to take responsibility and tell ourselves that we’ve learned and mastered things before, and there’s no reason we can’t continue learning and mastering new things.

Think of what we’ve already accomplished, and keep telling ourselves, “There’s positive energy on the other side of fear (and I choose positive energy).”

We can do more and become more than we can probably imagine right now; we’re not limited to “the way things have always been” or to “what we’ve always known.”

We need to remind ourselves, we were made to live fully and intentionally until the moment we die. We owe that to ourselves — and to the people, we care about.  This I learned in The Art of Healing at the Center for Spirituality & Healing at the University of MN.

Social Anxiety Disorder Evolution

social-anxiety

As with my previous post, where I elaborated on my mental health according to each decade, here, I will go over how my social anxiety disorder came to be.

It began in college when I sought my Bachelor’s degree, which included numerous presentations, speech coursework, and one Acting class. I don’t remember why I chose that elective instead of the other options. In acting, I liked the preparatory exercises each day, and the journaling to the instructor assignments, but the acting itself was a genuine hardship. King Lear and Steel Magnolias scenes were my midterm and final. Oh my god, it’s difficult to even recollect.

With King Lear, I had an angst-ridden, class-skipping cohort which left me in the lurch during on-stage practice sessions where the instructor filled in for him. However, I don’t know if that perfunctory student was worse than an acting major with a precisionist pace that led to palpable Steel Magnolia scene rehearsals. I spent moments in the restroom beforehand, popping Xanax to allow me the assertiveness to complement her rigorous retention of detail, dramatic capability, and goal.

Speech class was about as negative an experience as Acting class turned out to be. I received A’s in both, but it didn’t come without permanent damage to my psyche. During my first three minute speech on day one of that class, others comforted me out by the college commons cafe during break and telling me that “it will get better and easier,” which never happened. Apparently, I shook so much that my fellow students thought I’d faint. The spontaneous speech, and subsequent interview from my peers, found me racing home to bed to quell my nerves, almost bringing about a psychotic break, and I’m not using hyperbole. My final was a tribute to my (foster) dad that raised me, maintained the lengthy ten-minute minimum delivery, and hit all the requisite buttons. But again, not without damage to my mental health.

social anxiety disorder evolution

After those courses, I withdrew from groups, except for the Center for Spirituality and Healing classes, where I gave many performances, but only because after getting to know the other classmates did I realize they had experiences or issues in their lives that were only slightly below mine. Those classes taught me that everybody has anxiety, everybody has regrets, and that everybody has negative memories that carry within themselves.

But outside of those courses, I shielded myself from the world, choosing instead of at the front of the class, in the back, which allowed for a smooth departure. In between classes, I’d sit in the commons at Moos Tower, where I’d nurse a vanilla cooler for hours by myself in the corner. Classmates would wave, but I’d pretend I didn’t see them and instead hide my nose in a book.

Then with work, I became an independent contractor, thereby allowing others to do the hands-on tasks which demanded social interaction. Those around me learned of my behavior and assisted me in the sense that they made excuses for my absence or lack of participation even better than I could’ve come up with each time. I learned to better hide my anxiety from their input. Most of them didn’t know then or don’t even remember now the extent of my mental illness, only sufficing to describe me as quirky. Whatever the cause or reasoning, I’ve found that it isn’t for the best and need to continuously challenge my obstacles and limits.

Mental Illness Struggles by Decade

mental health

In my twenties, after getting over the years of low self-esteem in my adolescence, which came about through parenting and realizing what really matters in life, I noticed changes first in college seeking my Associate’s degree. I began thinking someone followed me throughout my days and into the night. Paranoia also set in big time. The voices and hallucinations started slowly and, at that time, were indecipherable. Did I know something was wrong? Yes. However, I knew I couldn’t remain married to an alcoholic any longer and filed for divorce while my four children were preschool age. With that came worries about custody, so I kept my illness to myself.

The thirties brought security in my relationship in the form of Robert. I knew I’d met the love of my life and didn’t want to lose him. My jealousy turned into hallucinations, which I felt a subsequent loss of control with as days progressed. This brought about disagreements and strife. Custody issues permeated my thoughts. So I kept my illness to myself. I’d returned to college for drafting, as well as the goal of a Bachelor’s degree.

During my forties, I was deep in hallucinations. Any anxiety brought about a deeper delve into madness. This also was the start of social anxiety disorder. I think that came roughly due to the fear of being found out. I started taking more online classes for the generals. I only stepped foot in a classroom if it was through the U of M’s Center for Spirituality and Healing, such as yoga, MBSR, or other overall wellness-related topics.

Alas, the start of the fifties. Am I really this old? I don’t feel it. This time is pretty much entrenched upon the adage: Life begins at the edge of one’s comfort zone. I don’t know where I heard that, but it rings true.

For this reason, I push myself to remain part of society, and not hide away in my writing cave, in hopes of attaining real enjoyment despite discomfort to achieve such new experiences. Coming to grips with my intuition, which in turn configures new perspectives, thereby helps me conquers fears. Although it’s easier said than done…

Why phone calls can be incredibly difficult for people with social anxiety.

a phone call

Phone calls are unpredictable. When you answer the phone, you have no idea what the other person is wanting to discuss. There is no time to prepare as if someone asked you to come to their office for a chat or to call at a specific time. This is anxiety-provoking.

It changes the expected plan. I like to know what I am doing and when. If I have planned to spend the next half an hour doing a specific task, to have that suddenly interrupted can be overwhelming, because now I have to replan my time.

It takes time to transition my focus from one thing to another. Phone calls are instant. You have less than 10 seconds to answer. In that time, I have to force myself to transition my thoughts and energy to what my brain is now forced to focus on. This takes a lot of energy.

Phone calls interrupt what I am doing. If I am deeply engrossed in the task, especially if it is related to my particular interest, when I answer the phone, it may be impossible for me to focus on what it is they are saying. As a result, my replies may not be as coherent or valid.

It can take us longer to process certain things on the phone. I can’t see your body language. It is even harder than usual for me to interpret what you mean, especially when you refuse to say precisely what you mean and instead confound your speech with metaphors and sarcasm.

Many of us rely on lip-reading. Lip-reading helps to process what is being said quicker. I don’t know why, but my processing ability seems to be at a slower speed than many neurotypicals. Lip reading is hugely beneficial with this, and obviously, this isn’t present on the phone.

a phone call

It is even harder than average to gauge social cues. Knowing when it is my turn to speak in conversation is even harder on the phone. I have to be super careful not to interrupt by accident, speak for the acceptable length of time, and ensure my words are appropriate and articulate.

On phone calls, there is no time to prepare responses. Often I need longer to process what you’ve said and formulated a response. Face to face, this is easier for the other person to understand. On the phone, I may feel rushed, so say things I don’t mean, or not explain adequately.

As a result of not being able to think things through, I may feel pressured into saying ‘yes’ to everything asked of me, due to a desire to please. Afterward, I may realize this is not something I can cope with and then panic because I have already agreed to it.

Phone calls can be more intense. Many find silence less comfortable on the phone. There are no typical environmental distractions that may provide a few moments of relief. If there are distractions, the other person can’t see/hear them, so we have to focus even harder.

And worst of all, for those with deeper mental issues like schizophrenia, there may be a cacophony of voices present on the phone call. Imagine listening to ten radio stations simultaneously. Would you be able to make out one distinct voice and respond appropriately?

These are just a few of the reasons why many people with social anxiety struggle with phone calls. Some things that can be helpful are asking when is a good time to call, preparing the other person as to what the topic is, and planning time in advance.

Additionally, offer other means of communication that the person may find more comfortable, such as emails. Some may find video calls easier. Or even simple adjustments like discussing on the phone but having time afterward to think and then emailing decisions later on.

Resilience throughout Recovery: A Memoir of My Journey through Mental Illness by Angela Grey

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Distraction can be a good thing up until the point of denial. Regarding my delusional disorder, I figured that if I wrote it off as something else (social anxiety, PTSD, or chronic depression) then I’d be more normal. Plus, my denial protected my immediate family (custody of children); but at what cost. My partition delusion and both auditory and visual hallucinations weren’t simply the result of past abuse or cultural idiosyncrasies: misconceptions by my immediate family which delayed the diagnosis for years. However, I appreciate that time I had with some of my hallucinations for they comforted me in ways that I will try to relay. In the end, it was cognition, memory, and confusion problems which led to psychosis that took me down and brought me to the emergency room, where we sat riverside trying to figure out where it all began and what was or wasn’t a cause.