Category: schizophrenia

We must take baby steps.

babe steps

Instead of telling ourselves, “This could never happen for me,” we must ask ourselves, “What can I do to bring this closer to me?”

It doesn’t have to be a huge step. We don’t have to make it happen all at once. But we need to do something — at least one small thing — every day to get closer to the life we want. We need to do one small thing to get closer to being the person we want to be.

To do this, we need to get clear on the end goal.

So, let’s make a list of why we want something, get committed to the end goal, and then get transparent on what small steps are needed to take each day to get closer to it.

  • What do I want?
  • Why do I want it?
  • Why do those reasons matter to me?
  • What is the end goal? How do I want to see myself a year (or more) from now?
  • What can I do today to get closer to that?

Every day that we make a small step is a success! We’re proving to ourselves that we can do it when we want the end result badly enough to commit to it.

And in so doing, we build up our self-confidence. Other people’s limiting opinions on what we’re capable of no longer have any power over us. And neither do the limiting thoughts we used to have.

baby steps

Believing in ourselves doesn’t mean saying, “I’m 100% finished with my self-growth, and I don’t need to change anything or learn anything more.”

When we know the truth about ourselves, we know that we’re born to keep growing, keep learning, and keep contributing.

When we believe in ourselves, we know we’re worth the investments we need to make in our personal growth.

We know we’re smart enough, strong enough, and capable enough to do what is needed to do to become the person we want to be.

It doesn’t mean we’re not enough as we are. Being enough doesn’t mean we have permission to stop growing; it means we have what it takes to keep growing.

Because we do. We need to believe in that, first of all. Then build on it.

And may our courage and unshakable belief in ourselves influence everything else we do today.

Giving Ourselves Permission Fail at Something

failure

Self-doubt is essentially about the fear of failure, and when we practice self-confidence and move forward anyway, we build on that confidence — just as we build courage the more we step up in the presence of fear.

The most successful people have failed more times than most people even try. The danger is mostly to the ego, but that can recover.

Giving ourselves permission to fail in an endeavor could lead to something great; if we don’t make it the first time, we get to learn from what we did wrong. Then we can try again at that same challenge or pivot and apply what we’ve learned to another similar task or something altogether different.

When we fail — and if we’re actually trying and taking risks, we probably will — but can’t focus on the failure itself but on what led to it and what we can learn from the experience.

Those who become the people they want to be, choose to focus on what they can learn from their failures instead of getting stuck in a failure is inevitable mentality.

What this mentality says is “maybe other people could succeed at this, but not me…whatever I do, I’m bound to fail.” But again this isn’t based on fact but on a fear-based assumption.

The fact is that if we survived this failure, we can learn from it and do better next time – at the same challenge or a different one.

And we owe it to ourselves to keep moving in a growth-oriented direction.

You-make-mistakes.-Mistakes-dont__quotes-by-Maxwell-Maltz-43

We are not our mistakes. What determines our outcome and the person we become is how we handle those mistakes.

We need to stop listening to people who doubt us.

Self-Doubt-Lena-Yang

It’s hard enough dealing with the voices of self-doubt inside our heads; we don’t need to be around people who reinforce those thoughts.

Just because someone else hasn’t dealt with their own self-doubt doesn’t mean they get to drag us down with them.

If they’re stuck in a defeatist mentality, we need to try to avoid conversations that will lead to negative rants about their potential or ours.

In some cases, we’ll need to simply avoid these people as much as we can, just as we do the drama vampires. Every conversation turns into a negative monologue or tears us down. We can’t give them the opportunity.

Instead, we need to hang out with people who build us up, who are unabashedly self-confident, and who set an example of growth that inspires us to keep moving forward. Spending more time with people who believe in themselves is contagious. We need to give ourselves a vote of confidence.  We can’t wait for someone else to pick up the pieces and tell us that we’re enough, and “we can do this.” We have a responsibility to ourselves, as well as to others.

We need to take responsibility and tell ourselves that we’ve learned and mastered things before, and there’s no reason we can’t continue learning and mastering new things.

Think of what we’ve already accomplished, and keep telling ourselves, “There’s positive energy on the other side of fear (and I choose positive energy).”

We can do more and become more than we can probably imagine right now; we’re not limited to “the way things have always been” or to “what we’ve always known.”

We need to remind ourselves, we were made to live fully and intentionally until the moment we die. We owe that to ourselves — and to the people, we care about.  This I learned in The Art of Healing at the Center for Spirituality & Healing at the University of MN.

Mental Illness Struggles by Decade

mental health

In my twenties, after getting over the years of low self-esteem in my adolescence, which came about through parenting and realizing what really matters in life, I noticed changes first in college seeking my Associate’s degree. I began thinking someone followed me throughout my days and into the night. Paranoia also set in big time. The voices and hallucinations started slowly and, at that time, were indecipherable. Did I know something was wrong? Yes. However, I knew I couldn’t remain married to an alcoholic any longer and filed for divorce while my four children were preschool age. With that came worries about custody, so I kept my illness to myself.

The thirties brought security in my relationship in the form of Robert. I knew I’d met the love of my life and didn’t want to lose him. My jealousy turned into hallucinations, which I felt a subsequent loss of control with as days progressed. This brought about disagreements and strife. Custody issues permeated my thoughts. So I kept my illness to myself. I’d returned to college for drafting, as well as the goal of a Bachelor’s degree.

During my forties, I was deep in hallucinations. Any anxiety brought about a deeper delve into madness. This also was the start of social anxiety disorder. I think that came roughly due to the fear of being found out. I started taking more online classes for the generals. I only stepped foot in a classroom if it was through the U of M’s Center for Spirituality and Healing, such as yoga, MBSR, or other overall wellness-related topics.

Alas, the start of the fifties. Am I really this old? I don’t feel it. This time is pretty much entrenched upon the adage: Life begins at the edge of one’s comfort zone. I don’t know where I heard that, but it rings true.

For this reason, I push myself to remain part of society, and not hide away in my writing cave, in hopes of attaining real enjoyment despite discomfort to achieve such new experiences. Coming to grips with my intuition, which in turn configures new perspectives, thereby helps me conquers fears. Although it’s easier said than done…

3 Books About Mental Illness That I Recommend

Living with mental illness, I sometimes get asked which are the really good books to increase compassion and on what it’s truly like to struggle day-to-day. My favorite three are as follows:

madness marya hornbacher

Madness by Marya Hornbacher pulls no punches in giving you a ringside seat into the devastating illness that is bipolar disorder. The most serious form is when psychotic episodes appear which I found similar to schizophrenia. The major plus for this read is that mental distress particularly during her hospitalizations spills from the page so effortlessly.

the center cannot hold elyn saks

I found Elyn Saks’ The Center Cannot Hold after watching the author’s TED talk, which is fascinating and very informative. I have the utmost admiration for the writer who, although clearly affected by the symptoms of her illness, didn’t allow it to define her or stop her from doing what she wanted to do with her life. It’s a truly honest, heart-wrenching account.

kay redfield jamison an unquiet mind

Kay Redfield Jamison’s An Unquiet Mind is another book about bipolar and not schizophrenia but the turbulence is similar and the fact that she fought meds for so long until she finally succumbed to the realization that they are indeed truly necessary and lifechanging so that sufferers can now fully function with their assistance in our lives. Jamison is a psychologist so she writes the scientific aspects in an easy to understand, charming witty and all too human way.

Beyond Quirky

Beyond_Quirky_Cover_for_Kindle

Beyond Quirky: The descent into the darkness, hallucinations, and delusions of schizophrenia by Angela Grey

Beyond Quirky is a memoir about the descent into the hallucinations, delusions and darkness of schizophrenia. It started when I was twenty-seven and returning to college after I had my four children. Initially, I didn’t know they were hallucinations and delusions but it became more evident as time progressed. From erotomania (a delusion), ostracization by neighbors, stigmatization, and denial this personal story delves into the detailed, daily visions and deliriums that affected my hectic collegiate and young parenthood lifestyle. Adding to that frenzied existence was my marriage to an alcoholic and prescription addict. Despite everything happening it was my utmost challenge over the twenty year span to maintain the appearance of sanity for child custody reasons. This is my story….

Buy at Amazon

Negative Media Portrayals

angelagrey

Contrary to negative media portrayals, not all schizophrenics are spree killers or homeless. I’m an residential drafter which means that I draw up house plans. I work for an engineer as well as area builders. When I’m doing projects for the engineer, I’m just a draftsperson; but when I work for the builders I’m more of a designer and have more input. This is the perfect job for somebody that has social anxiety as I get emailed the measurements and specifications then I work from home. Rarely do I need to go out to the jobsite, and that is how my employers like it. They do all the measuring and talking with the clients and I just follow up with the work. When I’m done, I plot the drawings then send them up for print and send the builder or engineer the pdfs. Nobody wants or needs to see me and likewise. They describe me as quirky. I don’t think they know what exactly is my mental illness; but I suspect they know something is up with me. On the rare occasion when I did have to go out to the jobsite, I shied away from the homeowner. I think it was rather noticeable. Nevertheless, I’m not a spree killer nor am I homeless. My family also describes me as quirky but functional.

Blurred Voices (Schizophrenia)

angelagrey

The above picture is the best glimpse that I can give you as to what schizophrenia is like for me. My son and his girlfriend had to move in with us for a short time until they can get an apartment they like. So they are living in my basement which is difficult because she is like a stranger to me. And that sets off my positive and negative symptoms. When she touches my things or rearranges stuff then I can see voices and there are so many it is like a crowd of people around me all clamoring for attention. Hopefully, they will only be here for a few more days instead of the month that they asked for earlier.