Category: hallucinations

Mental Illness Struggles by Decade

mental health

In my twenties, after getting over the years of low self-esteem in my adolescence, which came about through parenting and realizing what really matters in life, I noticed changes first in college seeking my Associate’s degree. I began thinking someone followed me throughout my days and into the night. Paranoia also set in big time. The voices and hallucinations started slowly and, at that time, were indecipherable. Did I know something was wrong? Yes. However, I knew I couldn’t remain married to an alcoholic any longer and filed for divorce while my four children were preschool age. With that came worries about custody, so I kept my illness to myself.

The thirties brought security in my relationship in the form of Robert. I knew I’d met the love of my life and didn’t want to lose him. My jealousy turned into hallucinations, which I felt a subsequent loss of control with as days progressed. This brought about disagreements and strife. Custody issues permeated my thoughts. So I kept my illness to myself. I’d returned to college for drafting, as well as the goal of a Bachelor’s degree.

During my forties, I was deep in hallucinations. Any anxiety brought about a deeper delve into madness. This also was the start of social anxiety disorder. I think that came roughly due to the fear of being found out. I started taking more online classes for the generals. I only stepped foot in a classroom if it was through the U of M’s Center for Spirituality and Healing, such as yoga, MBSR, or other overall wellness-related topics.

Alas, the start of the fifties. Am I really this old? I don’t feel it. This time is pretty much entrenched upon the adage: Life begins at the edge of one’s comfort zone. I don’t know where I heard that, but it rings true.

For this reason, I push myself to remain part of society, and not hide away in my writing cave, in hopes of attaining real enjoyment despite discomfort to achieve such new experiences. Coming to grips with my intuition, which in turn configures new perspectives, thereby helps me conquers fears. Although it’s easier said than done…

3 Books About Mental Illness That I Recommend

Living with mental illness, I sometimes get asked which are the really good books to increase compassion and on what it’s truly like to struggle day-to-day. My favorite three are as follows:

madness marya hornbacher

Madness by Marya Hornbacher pulls no punches in giving you a ringside seat into the devastating illness that is bipolar disorder. The most serious form is when psychotic episodes appear which I found similar to schizophrenia. The major plus for this read is that mental distress particularly during her hospitalizations spills from the page so effortlessly.

the center cannot hold elyn saks

I found Elyn Saks’ The Center Cannot Hold after watching the author’s TED talk, which is fascinating and very informative. I have the utmost admiration for the writer who, although clearly affected by the symptoms of her illness, didn’t allow it to define her or stop her from doing what she wanted to do with her life. It’s a truly honest, heart-wrenching account.

kay redfield jamison an unquiet mind

Kay Redfield Jamison’s An Unquiet Mind is another book about bipolar and not schizophrenia but the turbulence is similar and the fact that she fought meds for so long until she finally succumbed to the realization that they are indeed truly necessary and lifechanging so that sufferers can now fully function with their assistance in our lives. Jamison is a psychologist so she writes the scientific aspects in an easy to understand, charming witty and all too human way.

Positive vs. Negative Symptoms for Me

strengthThe positive symptoms (in addition to reality) of schizophrenia are: hallucinations (see and hear things), delusions (false beliefs that defy reasoning), paranoia, disorganized thinking,and grandiosity (believing that I have supernatural powers),

And the negative symptoms (lacking from normally considered behavior) are: lack of emotion, slow speaking, poor hygiene, impaired memory, poor concentration or decision making skills, limited social functioning, lacking motivation, and inability to experience enjoyment in things I once found pleasurable.

I’ve highlighted the ones that I experienced. In addition to those, I experienced sleeplessness, OCD, depression, and high anxiety. All of my symptoms have been treatable. I do still experience hallucinations when the stresses in my life are too great. Things haven’t gotten easier for me; instead, with the aid of medication, psychotherapy and my support structure, I’ve learned what is and isn’t real. I can control my emotions but I still have trouble relating to other people because I fear that my symptoms may arise in their presence. But the key is that I am in control and feel empowered.

Contrary to myths, as a person with schizophrenia, I don’t have developmental disabilities, violent tendencies, or a split personality. Not being in contact with my birth family, I don’t if genetic susceptibility or environmental factors (nature or nurture) played a role. I was diagnosed with PTSD years back due to physical and emotional trauma as a child; but I believe those are irrelevant at this point in my life as I’ve gotten over and forgiven all responsible. I truly hope they are as happy as they can be in their own part of this world.

At this point, the medication works but isn’t without side effects. The worst of all is the tremors. However, restlessness comes in a close second. All in all, I prognosticate that I will be in full remission (symptom free), with the aid of medication, within six months time.

About Me and Schizophrenia

My onset of schizophrenia didn’t occur until long after I’d left home. I was twenty-six years old and just starting college when the hallucinations began. During Fall semester in 1996, I met a fellow student named Holly. She said that our Psychology professor liked me.It wasn’t until I started having dreams of my being murdered that my life with Holly and my professor became more chaotic. It was sometime in November 1996 that the first nightmare occurred. In the dream, I went for my daily walk in Normandale Lake Park. I was on the south side when my Psychology instructor saw me and smiled. I turned away embarrassed and when I looked back he was so close then I saw his face. He was raging mad and lunged at me. I saw my long blonde, curly hair fly in front of my face. Then I felt his hands struggling with me and then he was on top of me. I didn’t have time to scream in my dream; however, I always woke screaming.

Holly didn’t like me talking about my dreams. It disturbed her because she thought that it couldn’t be me since I never had long blonde hair. Instead, the thought it was an older female that I knew back in high school. Holly thought that maybe I subconsciously wanted that former acquaintance dead but she was wrong. I didn’t. I swear. As the dream progressed, I realized that it wasn’t me in the dream but Holly. That is when she started getting more upset about me talking about my dreams, so I stopped sharing them with her.

Anyway, our college lives became anxiety-ridden, especially since our Psychology teacher started following us around. He was also faculty advisor so he was friends with everyone, meaning he was everywhere: in and out of our other classrooms. Then the maintenance men started watching us, too, particularly me. It didn’t matter where I sat (lunchroom, out front, in the Japanese garden, on hallway floors, in the library or computer center), our Psych professor would find me.

The dreams went on for months when one day I was watching television while doing dishes. At that moment, my body froze. I saw her—the blonde with long hair that was being murdered in my dream—and knew immediately who it was. It was my friend, Holly! The news report said that a pedophile had killed her in Normandale Lake Park. It couldn’t be right.

During my psychotic break, I was hallucinating visions and voices as well as deep in delusion. I was seeing a dead woman in my house as well as my deceased grandma and aunt. In addition, I thought I could walk through as well as see and hear through walls to my adjacent neighbors townhouse. Plus, I was deep in paranoia in thinking someone was following me wherever I went.

My psychotic break or nervous breakdown occurred over a six month period. Initially there were confusing voices and overwhelming smells but that progressed into debilitating paranoia, delusion, and non-stop hallucinations. I refused medication because I thought it would cloud my thought processes which were relaying danger, danger, danger…. I was worried that my family and I wouldn’t be safe if I took the medication. I thought the dead woman that lives inside our home would cause us harm. Plus I was concerned that it (meds) would control my thoughts and take over our wellbeing so that we couldn’t deal with the watchers. In reality, it was all unreal. In the emergency room, I was forced to take Seroquel which knocked me out. It was in the moments upon awakening  that I realized all the voices, visions, smells, and sounds STOPPED. It was quiet for the first time in a long while. Fortunately, for me, family members made certain that I stayed on the medication regimen. Yes, it has gone through changes where I’ve had to switch meds but all in all the majority of the hallucinations and delusions have stayed away. Stressors still bring on bouts but for the most part the drug therapy helps. At first, I kept in mind that I could always stop the meds and bring back the positive hallucinations; but now I know the bad will come along with the good. While I miss the visions of my deceased grandma and aunt, I don’t miss the bad spirits.

 I’m also an enrolled member of the Sisseton-Wahpeton Oyate. Thanks in part to fantastic foster parents, sassy social workers, and outstanding teachers, I’m also a family-focused parent of four wonderful young adults. I’ve self-published one memoir under my own name and four fiction novels under a pseudonym, Peyton Mathie. Those accounts were based on my life stories. Although I’m a native of the Lake Traverse reservation in South Dakota, I  lived in Brooklyn, New York off and on throughout my childhood. Currently, I reside in Eden Prairie, Minnesota with my family. My hobbies include yoga, MBSR, camping, budget travel, and painting.

Note: The pseudonym was derived from the first name of my daughter’s childhood friend and the surname of a coworker at approximately the same time frame. In one I saw signs of my past and the latter, hopefully, my future.

Are all nervous breakdowns psychotic?

mentalillness

During my psychotic break, I was hallucinating visions and voices as well as deep in delusion. I was seeing a dead woman in my house as well as my deceased grandma and aunt. In addition, I thought I could walk through as well as see and hear through walls to my adjacent neighbors townhouse. Plus, I was deep in paranoia in thinking someone was following me wherever I went. In comparison, I’ve known friends and had relatives who had a nervous breakdown that wasn’t psychotic. Their break was like a really bad panic attack to the point of confusion and disorientation. They felt like they were having a heart attack but didn’t have hallucinations or weren’t delusional. I was prescribed anti-psychotics such as Seroquel while they were prescribed sedatives like Valium.  They recovered within a weeks time and were back to normal. I, on the other hand, have to remain on anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications indefinitely. I’m not a doctor but I do think there was a difference between a psychotic break and a nervous breakdown. Someone that thinks they are experiencing either should seek help immediately to determine if it is a heart attack, nervous breakdown, or psychotic break!

Psychosis

Schizophrenia symbol conceptual design

My psychotic break or nervous breakdown occurred over a six month period. Initially, there were confusing voices and overwhelming smells but that progressed into debilitating paranoia, delusion, and non-stop hallucinations. I refused medication because I thought it would cloud thought processes which were relaying danger, danger, danger…. I was worried that my family and I wouldn’t be safe if I took the medication. I thought the dead woman that lives inside our home would cause us harm. Plus I was concerned that it (meds) would control my thoughts and take over our wellbeing so that we couldn’t deal with the watchers. In reality, it was all unreal. In the emergency room, I was forced to take Seroquel which knocked me out. It was in the moments upon awakening that I realized all the voices, visions, smells, and sounds STOPPED. It was quiet for the first time in a long while. Fortunately, for me, family members made certain that I stayed on the medication regimen. Yes, it has gone through changes where I’ve had to switch meds but all in all the majority of the hallucinations and delusions have stayed away. Stressors still bring on bouts but for the most part the drug therapy helps. At first, I kept in mind that I could always stop the meds and bring back the positive hallucinations; but I now know the bad will come along with the good. While I miss the visions of my deceased grandma and aunt, I don’t miss the bad spirits.

Managing Schizophrenia with Atypical Anti-psychotics

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Abilify vs. Seroquel: for me it’s a toss up. While Abilify controls hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia, it doesn’t work as well during stressful experiences. Seroquel does work during chaotic times, however, the downside is that I have extremely negative side effects with the Seroquel, such as agitation and anger. I’m not talking rage but more disorderly conduct like getting kicked out of the library because I had a fit when my books on hold were misplaced. The bad side effects from Abilify for me are akathisia (restlessness) and tremors (hands shaking). Quetiapine (Seroquel) also sparked weight gain for me which the aripiprazole (Abilify) does not. All in all, I prefer the Abilify because it doesn’t cause cognitive issues in me the way the Seroquel did. That being said, I keep Seroquel around to subdue myself during the worst of moments. Both drugs side effects bring about social withdrawal because I don’t want outsiders to see the tremors or anger. On the horizon, my psychiatrist says there is Latuda, should things turn downward with my current regimen of Abilify, Gabapentin, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin. He holds out great hope for that one…and it’s nice to know there is always hope.

Resilience throughout Recovery: A Memoir of My Journey through Mental Illness by Angela Grey

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Distraction can be a good thing up until the point of denial. Regarding my delusional disorder, I figured that if I wrote it off as something else (social anxiety, PTSD, or chronic depression) then I’d be more normal. Plus, my denial protected my immediate family (custody of children); but at what cost. My partition delusion and both auditory and visual hallucinations weren’t simply the result of past abuse or cultural idiosyncrasies: misconceptions by my immediate family which delayed the diagnosis for years. However, I appreciate that time I had with some of my hallucinations for they comforted me in ways that I will try to relay. In the end, it was cognition, memory, and confusion problems which led to psychosis that took me down and brought me to the emergency room, where we sat riverside trying to figure out where it all began and what was or wasn’t a cause.