Tag: paranoia

Book review: Wild Awake by Hilary T. Smith

Katherine Tegen Books, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers, 2013

Seventeen-year-old Vancouver rocker and classically trained pianist Kiri Byrd is home practicing her art while alone for the summer since her parents are off on a cruise. Pretty early into her stay at home, Kiri’s plans go awry when she receives a mysterious call to pick up some of her deceased older sister’s belongings in a sketchy part of town. Kiri forms a bond with sister Sukey’s troubled neighbor and with a boy named Skunk that alter her views of many things.

At first it seems that Kiri is simply coming into her own, gaining wisdom, and accepting life’s unpredictability, but soon it becomes clear that Kiri (manic) is also losing control because the experience of dealing with the shocking truth causes her to tumble into a downward spiral, so Kiri’s mental state is alarmingly called into question. Reader will sense the narrative becoming less lucid, more frantic, and questionably mentally ill as is that of her new romance who is paranoid.

Kiri is a musician, preparing for the Young Pianists’ Showcase, which means dedicated practice and now she’s not sleeping and manically playing at 5 a.m., while her thoughts go wild and then subdued again. Due in most part to the author’s convincing dialogue and moving characterizations this young adult, coming-of-age novel blurs the lines between genius and madness, love and loss, demands and freedom, perception and reality, peace and turmoil. The debut author’s embracing of the complexities of grief, family dynamics, creativity, mental illness, and love pens them with a thoughtful, subtle hand. Despite how we as readers may fear for Kiri, she’s unabashed in how she lives her life, and it’s both exhausting and exhilarating to watch.

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Psychosis

Schizophrenia symbol conceptual design

My psychotic break or nervous breakdown occurred over a six month period. Initially, there were confusing voices and overwhelming smells but that progressed into debilitating paranoia, delusion, and non-stop hallucinations. I refused medication because I thought it would cloud thought processes which were relaying danger, danger, danger…. I was worried that my family and I wouldn’t be safe if I took the medication. I thought the dead woman that lives inside our home would cause us harm. Plus I was concerned that it (meds) would control my thoughts and take over our wellbeing so that we couldn’t deal with the watchers. In reality, it was all unreal. In the emergency room, I was forced to take Seroquel which knocked me out. It was in the moments upon awakening that I realized all the voices, visions, smells, and sounds STOPPED. It was quiet for the first time in a long while. Fortunately, for me, family members made certain that I stayed on the medication regimen. Yes, it has gone through changes where I’ve had to switch meds but all in all the majority of the hallucinations and delusions have stayed away. Stressors still bring on bouts but for the most part the drug therapy helps. At first, I kept in mind that I could always stop the meds and bring back the positive hallucinations; but I now know the bad will come along with the good. While I miss the visions of my deceased grandma and aunt, I don’t miss the bad spirits.