Is jealousy a powerful driver in my life or is it simply a negative emotion?

I was definitely a jealous child wanting the “normal” that all the other kids had in their lives. Then I turned into a jealous adolescent who wanted to keep the friends I worked so hard to get. It was all a fear-based lie. So, it never lasted. I subscribe to Maslow’s Hierarchy, where one cannot attain a higher level without first establishing a foundation.

I never had the solid footing to build on as a kid so anything I did socially growing up was a lie. I lied to myself most of all. But like I wrote in a previous post, Karma kicked my butt. For me, I think my physiological needs were met when I was married, not by my ex-husband (Oh, God, NO!), but by starting my family i.e., having my kids. They grounded me. They gave me the need to exist and have a voice. I slept better, ate well (eating disorder went away), exercised more, and read voraciously, predominantly about spirituality. My mind calmed. I saw the marriage for the travesty that it was and strived to get out of it.

Then came safety which I achieved for the kids with the help of many a therapist or the clinic social workers they recommended. One extremely helpful one encouraged me on a path back to college. There is where the honest social relationships came into play. I learned how to be a friend while I was still learning how to be a parent, but I had excellent role models in the social work field. I’d found people in my life who shared my passions and my beliefs.

I still had a chip on my shoulder due to dysfunctional childhood. That disappeared only after a college professor and psychologist told me to write about the pain. I did. And POOF—it was gone! Although, she thought I still buttressed myself with a pseudonym. It took me another decade to extinguish that misrepresentation.

Switching jobs to architectural drafting temporarily for financial reasons gave me the self-esteem I needed. I connected with people and joined groups and took part in conversations to the best my mental health would allow at the time.

That brings me to now, and self-actualization. I’m finally in a spot where gone is the false facade, and in its place honest, safe, successful relationships. Even my mental health is improving. I know it will never go away or be cured; but it’s well-controlled medicinally which clarifies my thoughts and actions. By that I mean the schizophrenia; the OCD is still a security blanket; and the social anxiety still kicks my butt.

So, when I got asked the question: Is jealousy a powerful driver in my life or is it simply a negative emotion? My response is both. Fortunately, it drove me to be a better person. Moreover, I’m able to see it for what it is now, an ugly, negative emotion that needs to be tamped down. It was a lengthy, drawn-out process that had to happen in order to get me to where I am today.