Tag: psychosis

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Angela Grey is a writer with paranoid schizophrenia, OCD, PTSD, and social anxiety. She has created memorable moving tales about the sometimes unexpected and challenging road to first love: Secret Whispers (a story about schizophrenia), Déjà vu (a tale about a teen with bipolar disorder), and Of Laughter & Heartbreak (a piece about obsessive-compulsive disorder).

Until my next post, why not check out my YA novels about mental illness, memoir writing, novel in verse, or even my Native American mystery series on Amazon, or follow me on Bookshop, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Goodreads, LinkedIn, Bookbub , BookSprout, or AllAuthor.

Book review: Challenger Deep by Neal Schusterman

Thorndike Press, 2015

In recent years, mental health has become a rising issue in society, especially in youth. This story details mental illness, schizophrenia to be exact, showing real ups and down, not glamorizing it, and giving a real depth to it that is truly sad at times.

The narrative follows fifteen-year-old Caden on his journey to both the lowest point on earth and recovery. As a result of his mental illness, Caden seemingly lives in two separate worlds, one being the real world, and the other on a ship under the direction of a Captain.

This boy is written in a way that can also be understood by a younger audience as a YA novel that could also be read by mature primary aged readers. At the start of the novel, Caden’s parents try to cure his paranoia and anxiety through hobbies. As his schizophrenia worsens, Caden is hospitalized where he meets other teens, who all suffer from a variety of mental illnesses. It’s a potent, realistic, relatable narrative that connects to readers because of the utter honesty of one struggling with mental illness.

I recommend it to increase awareness of schizophrenia and those that struggle with it because it encapsulates the emotions of everyone involved.

Mental Illness Struggles by Decade

mental health

In my twenties, after getting over the years of low self-esteem in my adolescence, which came about through parenting and realizing what really matters in life, I noticed changes first in college seeking my Associate’s degree. I began thinking someone followed me throughout my days and into the night. Paranoia also set in big time. The voices and hallucinations started slowly and, at that time, were indecipherable. Did I know something was wrong? Yes. However, I knew I couldn’t remain married to an alcoholic any longer and filed for divorce while my four children were preschool age. With that came worries about custody, so I kept my illness to myself.

The thirties brought security in my relationship in the form of Robert. I knew I’d met the love of my life and didn’t want to lose him. My jealousy turned into hallucinations, which I felt a subsequent loss of control with as days progressed. This brought about disagreements and strife. Custody issues permeated my thoughts. So I kept my illness to myself. I’d returned to college for drafting, as well as the goal of a Bachelor’s degree.

During my forties, I was deep in hallucinations. Any anxiety brought about a deeper delve into madness. This also was the start of social anxiety disorder. I think that came roughly due to the fear of being found out. I started taking more online classes for the generals. I only stepped foot in a classroom if it was through the U of M’s Center for Spirituality and Healing, such as yoga, MBSR, or other overall wellness-related topics.

Alas, the start of the fifties. Am I really this old? I don’t feel it. This time is pretty much entrenched upon the adage: Life begins at the edge of one’s comfort zone. I don’t know where I heard that, but it rings true.

For this reason, I push myself to remain part of society, and not hide away in my writing cave, in hopes of attaining real enjoyment despite discomfort to achieve such new experiences. Coming to grips with my intuition, which in turn configures new perspectives, thereby helps me conquers fears. Although it’s easier said than done…

Positive vs. Negative Symptoms for Me

strengthThe positive symptoms (in addition to reality) of schizophrenia are: hallucinations (see and hear things), delusions (false beliefs that defy reasoning), paranoia, disorganized thinking,and grandiosity (believing that I have supernatural powers),

And the negative symptoms (lacking from normally considered behavior) are: lack of emotion, slow speaking, poor hygiene, impaired memory, poor concentration or decision making skills, limited social functioning, lacking motivation, and inability to experience enjoyment in things I once found pleasurable.

I’ve highlighted the ones that I experienced. In addition to those, I experienced sleeplessness, OCD, depression, and high anxiety. All of my symptoms have been treatable. I do still experience hallucinations when the stresses in my life are too great. Things haven’t gotten easier for me; instead, with the aid of medication, psychotherapy and my support structure, I’ve learned what is and isn’t real. I can control my emotions but I still have trouble relating to other people because I fear that my symptoms may arise in their presence. But the key is that I am in control and feel empowered.

Contrary to myths, as a person with schizophrenia, I don’t have developmental disabilities, violent tendencies, or a split personality. Not being in contact with my birth family, I don’t if genetic susceptibility or environmental factors (nature or nurture) played a role. I was diagnosed with PTSD years back due to physical and emotional trauma as a child; but I believe those are irrelevant at this point in my life as I’ve gotten over and forgiven all responsible. I truly hope they are as happy as they can be in their own part of this world.

At this point, the medication works but isn’t without side effects. The worst of all is the tremors. However, restlessness comes in a close second. All in all, I prognosticate that I will be in full remission (symptom free), with the aid of medication, within six months time.

Suicidal Tendencies

Hi, my name is Angie Grey and I attempted suicide at the age of seventeen while I was pregnant. It was within six months after being released from the psychiatric ward. I jumped off a train bridge in Bismarck, North Dakota and was rescued by a boater in the water beneath me. I didn’t realize how lucky I was for him to be there that late at night because I didn’t know how to swim and was sure to die. For a long while, I was okay with living up until May of 2009. At that point, I had a suicide date in mind. Fortunately for me, I found Pathways Health Crisis Center in Minneapolis. At that time, my next door neighbor, Angela had committed suicide and I was in full blown delusion. For years, the dead woman living in my home urged me to take my life just as she did my neighbor. My grandiosity was that I could see through walls to the adjacent townhome. I saw my neighbor laying in her bathtub, with pill bottles and a bottle of wine in hand. All the while, the dead woman who lives inside my home was telling me that life wasn’t worth living. Most recently, during my psychotic break, the dead woman said my new neighbor is planning on taking his life too; but this time it will be with a gun and due to the constant hip pain he is experiencing. She (the dead woman) continued to tell me and show me how obvious it is that life isn’t worth living. Look at all the suffering. Thanks to my medicine, I see this isn’t real. Fortunately for me, I have a strong support network and Pathways as well. I feel bad for the others that don’t!

About Me and Schizophrenia

My onset of schizophrenia didn’t occur until long after I’d left home. I was twenty-six years old and just starting college when the hallucinations began. During Fall semester in 1996, I met a fellow student named Holly. She said that our Psychology professor liked me.It wasn’t until I started having dreams of my being murdered that my life with Holly and my professor became more chaotic. It was sometime in November 1996 that the first nightmare occurred. In the dream, I went for my daily walk in Normandale Lake Park. I was on the south side when my Psychology instructor saw me and smiled. I turned away embarrassed and when I looked back he was so close then I saw his face. He was raging mad and lunged at me. I saw my long blonde, curly hair fly in front of my face. Then I felt his hands struggling with me and then he was on top of me. I didn’t have time to scream in my dream; however, I always woke screaming.

Holly didn’t like me talking about my dreams. It disturbed her because she thought that it couldn’t be me since I never had long blonde hair. Instead, the thought it was an older female that I knew back in high school. Holly thought that maybe I subconsciously wanted that former acquaintance dead but she was wrong. I didn’t. I swear. As the dream progressed, I realized that it wasn’t me in the dream but Holly. That is when she started getting more upset about me talking about my dreams, so I stopped sharing them with her.

Anyway, our college lives became anxiety-ridden, especially since our Psychology teacher started following us around. He was also faculty advisor so he was friends with everyone, meaning he was everywhere: in and out of our other classrooms. Then the maintenance men started watching us, too, particularly me. It didn’t matter where I sat (lunchroom, out front, in the Japanese garden, on hallway floors, in the library or computer center), our Psych professor would find me.

The dreams went on for months when one day I was watching television while doing dishes. At that moment, my body froze. I saw her—the blonde with long hair that was being murdered in my dream—and knew immediately who it was. It was my friend, Holly! The news report said that a pedophile had killed her in Normandale Lake Park. It couldn’t be right.

During my psychotic break, I was hallucinating visions and voices as well as deep in delusion. I was seeing a dead woman in my house as well as my deceased grandma and aunt. In addition, I thought I could walk through as well as see and hear through walls to my adjacent neighbors townhouse. Plus, I was deep in paranoia in thinking someone was following me wherever I went.

My psychotic break or nervous breakdown occurred over a six month period. Initially there were confusing voices and overwhelming smells but that progressed into debilitating paranoia, delusion, and non-stop hallucinations. I refused medication because I thought it would cloud my thought processes which were relaying danger, danger, danger…. I was worried that my family and I wouldn’t be safe if I took the medication. I thought the dead woman that lives inside our home would cause us harm. Plus I was concerned that it (meds) would control my thoughts and take over our wellbeing so that we couldn’t deal with the watchers. In reality, it was all unreal. In the emergency room, I was forced to take Seroquel which knocked me out. It was in the moments upon awakening  that I realized all the voices, visions, smells, and sounds STOPPED. It was quiet for the first time in a long while. Fortunately, for me, family members made certain that I stayed on the medication regimen. Yes, it has gone through changes where I’ve had to switch meds but all in all the majority of the hallucinations and delusions have stayed away. Stressors still bring on bouts but for the most part the drug therapy helps. At first, I kept in mind that I could always stop the meds and bring back the positive hallucinations; but now I know the bad will come along with the good. While I miss the visions of my deceased grandma and aunt, I don’t miss the bad spirits.

 I’m also an enrolled member of the Sisseton-Wahpeton Oyate. Thanks in part to fantastic foster parents, sassy social workers, and outstanding teachers, I’m also a family-focused parent of four wonderful young adults. I’ve self-published one memoir under my own name and four fiction novels under a pseudonym, Peyton Mathie. Those accounts were based on my life stories. Although I’m a native of the Lake Traverse reservation in South Dakota, I  lived in Brooklyn, New York off and on throughout my childhood. Currently, I reside in Eden Prairie, Minnesota with my family. My hobbies include yoga, MBSR, camping, budget travel, and painting.

Note: The pseudonym was derived from the first name of my daughter’s childhood friend and the surname of a coworker at approximately the same time frame. In one I saw signs of my past and the latter, hopefully, my future.

Are all nervous breakdowns psychotic?

mentalillness

During my psychotic break, I was hallucinating visions and voices as well as deep in delusion. I was seeing a dead woman in my house as well as my deceased grandma and aunt. In addition, I thought I could walk through as well as see and hear through walls to my adjacent neighbors townhouse. Plus, I was deep in paranoia in thinking someone was following me wherever I went. In comparison, I’ve known friends and had relatives who had a nervous breakdown that wasn’t psychotic. Their break was like a really bad panic attack to the point of confusion and disorientation. They felt like they were having a heart attack but didn’t have hallucinations or weren’t delusional. I was prescribed anti-psychotics such as Seroquel while they were prescribed sedatives like Valium.  They recovered within a weeks time and were back to normal. I, on the other hand, have to remain on anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications indefinitely. I’m not a doctor but I do think there was a difference between a psychotic break and a nervous breakdown. Someone that thinks they are experiencing either should seek help immediately to determine if it is a heart attack, nervous breakdown, or psychotic break!

Psychosis

Schizophrenia symbol conceptual design

My psychotic break or nervous breakdown occurred over a six month period. Initially, there were confusing voices and overwhelming smells but that progressed into debilitating paranoia, delusion, and non-stop hallucinations. I refused medication because I thought it would cloud thought processes which were relaying danger, danger, danger…. I was worried that my family and I wouldn’t be safe if I took the medication. I thought the dead woman that lives inside our home would cause us harm. Plus I was concerned that it (meds) would control my thoughts and take over our wellbeing so that we couldn’t deal with the watchers. In reality, it was all unreal. In the emergency room, I was forced to take Seroquel which knocked me out. It was in the moments upon awakening that I realized all the voices, visions, smells, and sounds STOPPED. It was quiet for the first time in a long while. Fortunately, for me, family members made certain that I stayed on the medication regimen. Yes, it has gone through changes where I’ve had to switch meds but all in all the majority of the hallucinations and delusions have stayed away. Stressors still bring on bouts but for the most part the drug therapy helps. At first, I kept in mind that I could always stop the meds and bring back the positive hallucinations; but I now know the bad will come along with the good. While I miss the visions of my deceased grandma and aunt, I don’t miss the bad spirits.