Courageous Writers Circle

courageouswriterscircle

In this class, we first set up our sacred space. Next we received our model cue for the day. Then as we wrote the instructor guided us through relaxation prompts to allow our creativity to come forth. Afterwards came the opportunity to share which promoted recognition of our efforts, connection with others, and understanding of different circumstances which were in our stories. Both speaker and listener interacted, even if the listener never spoke. It was truly enriching to hear about the lives of others in what they wanted to share in this courageous writers circle.

My Phases of Schizophrenia

phasesDuring my acute phase, my family practice doctor sent me to the emergency room which resulted in a diagnosis of psychosis and schizophrenia. My general practitioner thought that I was in danger of harming myself or my family. I couldn’t control my own behavior, primarily my emotions, and I had limited functioning. Fortunately for me, my family was a strong support structure. In addition to the treatment, I also had a strong connection with my community aftercare team; they called twice daily to make certain that the anti-psychotics were working well.

Now that I’m in my stabilization phase, I’ve returned to the community and work (architectural drafter). I’m an avid reader and perpetual student; there is always something that I want to learn or try. I’m not a real risk taker though, so there are still obstacles in my way. I continue on my path to symptom reduction and have every intent of remission and even more improved functioning, particularly socially.

The WarmFeet Intervention class

warmfeetThis is a circulation meditation for those that need to increase blood flow to the feet, hands, and skin for a variety of reasons such as diabetes, ulcers, or simply soreness.   After introductions, we were guided first through conscious muscle relaxation (widening of the peripheral capillary blood vessels), being mindful of our breathing, through prompts by the instructor. For those that wanted to massage foot muscles, that was allowed. Once in a relaxed state, she had us visualize our hands and feet becoming warmer. We used temperature biofeedback (taking temperatures before and after) to learn this specific skill that aims to solicit the relaxation response and use targeted mental imaging, thereby improving circulation to the extremities by blood vessels opening up and allowing more oxygen to pass. For some people pain, soreness, and ulcers may decrease. It was very beneficial in reducing my stress and teaching me ways to heal myself by nourishing the tissues in my extremities, particularly my feet. This first session took forty-five minutes but with practice, it was said, that we can get it down to a fifteen minute relaxation technique.

Positive vs. Negative Symptoms for Me

strengthThe positive symptoms (in addition to reality) of schizophrenia are: hallucinations (see and hear things), delusions (false beliefs that defy reasoning), paranoia, disorganized thinking,and grandiosity (believing that I have supernatural powers),

And the negative symptoms (lacking from normally considered behavior) are: lack of emotion, slow speaking, poor hygiene, impaired memory, poor concentration or decision making skills, limited social functioning, lacking motivation, and inability to experience enjoyment in things I once found pleasurable.

I’ve highlighted the ones that I experienced. In addition to those, I experienced sleeplessness, OCD, depression, and high anxiety. All of my symptoms have been treatable. I do still experience hallucinations when the stresses in my life are too great. Things haven’t gotten easier for me; instead, with the aid of medication, psychotherapy and my support structure, I’ve learned what is and isn’t real. I can control my emotions but I still have trouble relating to other people because I fear that my symptoms may arise in their presence. But the key is that I am in control and feel empowered.

Contrary to myths, as a person with schizophrenia, I don’t have developmental disabilities, violent tendencies, or a split personality. Not being in contact with my birth family, I don’t if genetic susceptibility or environmental factors (nature or nurture) played a role. I was diagnosed with PTSD years back due to physical and emotional trauma as a child; but I believe those are irrelevant at this point in my life as I’ve gotten over and forgiven all responsible. I truly hope they are as happy as they can be in their own part of this world.

At this point, the medication works but isn’t without side effects. The worst of all is the tremors. However, restlessness comes in a close second. All in all, I prognosticate that I will be in full remission (symptom free), with the aid of medication, within six months time.

Suicidal Tendencies

Hi, my name is Angie Grey and I attempted suicide at the age of seventeen while I was pregnant. It was within six months after being released from the psychiatric ward. I jumped off a train bridge in Bismarck, North Dakota and was rescued by a boater in the water beneath me. I didn’t realize how lucky I was for him to be there that late at night because I didn’t know how to swim and was sure to die. For a long while, I was okay with living up until May of 2009. At that point, I had a suicide date in mind. Fortunately for me, I found Pathways Health Crisis Center in Minneapolis. At that time, my next door neighbor, Angela had committed suicide and I was in full blown delusion. For years, the dead woman living in my home urged me to take my life just as she did my neighbor. My grandiosity was that I could see through walls to the adjacent townhome. I saw my neighbor laying in her bathtub, with pill bottles and a bottle of wine in hand. All the while, the dead woman who lives inside my home was telling me that life wasn’t worth living. Most recently, during my psychotic break, the dead woman said my new neighbor is planning on taking his life too; but this time it will be with a gun and due to the constant hip pain he is experiencing. She (the dead woman) continued to tell me and show me how obvious it is that life isn’t worth living. Look at all the suffering. Thanks to my medicine, I see this isn’t real. Fortunately for me, I have a strong support network and Pathways as well. I feel bad for the others that don’t!

The Integrative Wellness Circle

integrative wellness circle foodsThis group explored the potential healing powers of whole foods and nutrition. We delved into practices for a healthy lifestyle and came away with many resource options. The focus was a holistic approach to nutrition (how all parts affect the whole). It wasn’t so much about restrictions as the class was about flexibility for life-long adherence and making yourself healthier long term not just a short term diet. It was about individual choice for lasting nutritional change by figuring out the quality foods while exploring local growers’ produce and vegetables. In class, we explored how body type, relationship, spirituality, work, exercise, sleeping, and energy level affect our eating styles; balance in these areas equals our better food choices. In the end, we came away with online connections to keep us motivated and up to date on local nutritional offerings.

About Me and Schizophrenia

My onset of schizophrenia didn’t occur until long after I’d left home. I was twenty-six years old and just starting college when the hallucinations began. During Fall semester in 1996, I met a fellow student named Holly. She said that our Psychology professor liked me.It wasn’t until I started having dreams of my being murdered that my life with Holly and my professor became more chaotic. It was sometime in November 1996 that the first nightmare occurred. In the dream, I went for my daily walk in Normandale Lake Park. I was on the south side when my Psychology instructor saw me and smiled. I turned away embarrassed and when I looked back he was so close then I saw his face. He was raging mad and lunged at me. I saw my long blonde, curly hair fly in front of my face. Then I felt his hands struggling with me and then he was on top of me. I didn’t have time to scream in my dream; however, I always woke screaming.

Holly didn’t like me talking about my dreams. It disturbed her because she thought that it couldn’t be me since I never had long blonde hair. Instead, the thought it was an older female that I knew back in high school. Holly thought that maybe I subconsciously wanted that former acquaintance dead but she was wrong. I didn’t. I swear. As the dream progressed, I realized that it wasn’t me in the dream but Holly. That is when she started getting more upset about me talking about my dreams, so I stopped sharing them with her.

Anyway, our college lives became anxiety-ridden, especially since our Psychology teacher started following us around. He was also faculty advisor so he was friends with everyone, meaning he was everywhere: in and out of our other classrooms. Then the maintenance men started watching us, too, particularly me. It didn’t matter where I sat (lunchroom, out front, in the Japanese garden, on hallway floors, in the library or computer center), our Psych professor would find me.

The dreams went on for months when one day I was watching television while doing dishes. At that moment, my body froze. I saw her—the blonde with long hair that was being murdered in my dream—and knew immediately who it was. It was my friend, Holly! The news report said that a pedophile had killed her in Normandale Lake Park. It couldn’t be right.

During my psychotic break, I was hallucinating visions and voices as well as deep in delusion. I was seeing a dead woman in my house as well as my deceased grandma and aunt. In addition, I thought I could walk through as well as see and hear through walls to my adjacent neighbors townhouse. Plus, I was deep in paranoia in thinking someone was following me wherever I went.

My psychotic break or nervous breakdown occurred over a six month period. Initially there were confusing voices and overwhelming smells but that progressed into debilitating paranoia, delusion, and non-stop hallucinations. I refused medication because I thought it would cloud my thought processes which were relaying danger, danger, danger…. I was worried that my family and I wouldn’t be safe if I took the medication. I thought the dead woman that lives inside our home would cause us harm. Plus I was concerned that it (meds) would control my thoughts and take over our wellbeing so that we couldn’t deal with the watchers. In reality, it was all unreal. In the emergency room, I was forced to take Seroquel which knocked me out. It was in the moments upon awakening  that I realized all the voices, visions, smells, and sounds STOPPED. It was quiet for the first time in a long while. Fortunately, for me, family members made certain that I stayed on the medication regimen. Yes, it has gone through changes where I’ve had to switch meds but all in all the majority of the hallucinations and delusions have stayed away. Stressors still bring on bouts but for the most part the drug therapy helps. At first, I kept in mind that I could always stop the meds and bring back the positive hallucinations; but now I know the bad will come along with the good. While I miss the visions of my deceased grandma and aunt, I don’t miss the bad spirits.

 I’m also an enrolled member of the Sisseton-Wahpeton Oyate. Thanks in part to fantastic foster parents, sassy social workers, and outstanding teachers, I’m also a family-focused parent of four wonderful young adults. I’ve self-published one memoir under my own name and four fiction novels under a pseudonym, Peyton Mathie. Those accounts were based on my life stories. Although I’m a native of the Lake Traverse reservation in South Dakota, I  lived in Brooklyn, New York off and on throughout my childhood. Currently, I reside in Eden Prairie, Minnesota with my family. My hobbies include yoga, MBSR, camping, budget travel, and painting.

Note: The pseudonym was derived from the first name of my daughter’s childhood friend and the surname of a coworker at approximately the same time frame. In one I saw signs of my past and the latter, hopefully, my future.

Soul Journeying Lesson

intro to shamanic journeyOne of the things about me is that I’m open to new therapies such as soul journeying. It is for purely meditative reasons and Friday night’s class was tremendously calming and provided the opportunity for self-awareness. Clear intention, in the form of a clear question, made the journey to inner wisdom and healing very focused. The facilitator warned that lacking a clear intent would result in the journey being fuzzy. I wanted to know how I could be of help to a loved one. Others made it a healing journey, interpretive, a journey to meet with an ancestor, connection with the natural world, or explorative. We then learned how to create and hold sacred space so others cannot as easily harm us. We did this by restoring individual power and health (balance and harmony) through intention (focus).

She started by telling us our style options for journeying: being on the outside looking in, walking with our helping spirit, or merging with our power animal. Flipping back and forth between styles was also an option to us. Next we were told that everything that was about to occur on our journey was an answer to our question or intention.

Then the instructor guided us through the three worlds (lower, upper, and middle). Each has a transition area such as a tunnel, clouds, or fog. The lower world can be accessed through visualizing entrance via a natural body such as a lake, stream, roots of a tree, etc. I used a lake that I knew well as a child as my access point. The upper world passage for me was via hot air balloon. I visualized that then ran into a cloud layer as my transition point. The middle world is our world and entry was via a fog mist as I left my front door. Each world has power animals or guardian spirits that teach or guide us, thereby helping us solve our real world problems. (Drums guided us between worlds and to start/stop points along the way)

I thought it was sort of like a visualization puzzle. The class assisted us in expanding our awareness, self discovery, healing, increased energy and allowed us to access our own individual spiritual guidance, Higher Power, which varied for all involved. All in all, it enlivened me and restored balance and completeness.

Novelist of YA Psychological Mysteries, YA Fantasy Books & Dark Noir Suspense Thrillers

Stories that survive the dark... Where girls fight back and nightmares have teeth.

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