Category: Journaling

Are all nervous breakdowns psychotic?

mentalillness

During my psychotic break, I was hallucinating visions and voices as well as deep in delusion. I was seeing a dead woman in my house as well as my deceased grandma and aunt. In addition, I thought I could walk through as well as see and hear through walls to my adjacent neighbors townhouse. Plus, I was deep in paranoia in thinking someone was following me wherever I went. In comparison, I’ve known friends and had relatives who had a nervous breakdown that wasn’t psychotic. Their break was like a really bad panic attack to the point of confusion and disorientation. They felt like they were having a heart attack but didn’t have hallucinations or weren’t delusional. I was prescribed anti-psychotics such as Seroquel while they were prescribed sedatives like Valium.  They recovered within a weeks time and were back to normal. I, on the other hand, have to remain on anti-psychotic and anti-depressant medications indefinitely. I’m not a doctor but I do think there was a difference between a psychotic break and a nervous breakdown. Someone that thinks they are experiencing either should seek help immediately to determine if it is a heart attack, nervous breakdown, or psychotic break!

Another Ending…I Mean New Beginning

kidsgrown

In September, we will embark on the next stage in our lives. Our four kids are now young adults. One has graduated from college and the other three will be college students (one freshmen and two sophomore). This is a stressful time for me because I have to hope that we raised them well and they’ll succeed out on their own. For this reason, my meds will be temporarily increased due to stressors involved in getting the last one out and on her way. She is overjoyed but It is both a sad and happy time for us! At this time, my support network including group work will play an integral role in my recovery. I need to slow down and be mindful of all that I have to be thankful for, including my faith, meds, family, and support structure. Stopping to admire and photograph nature will be key in calming me during this transition. Taking this change in gradually is not an option for me this time, unless someone knows something that I do not. Change isn’t always easy for me. My nest is empty and I’ll just have to manage the best that I can with all that I have going for me.

EmptyNest

Looking Onward and Upward

looking upwardIt’s August already…Spring and Summer went by quickly. Autumn is approaching and is typically the time of endings (gardening, summer sports, vacations, and the Fair); but I’d rather think of it as new beginnings. So many new classes start up in the Fall. Whether it is credit related or simply for enjoyment, the community offers so many options. In addition to my mental health and resiliency related coursework, I’ve also signed up for arts (pointillism, surrealism, and expressionism) and crafts (Fused Glass Studio & Combining Thrown and Handbuilt Pieces) type classes. Being located in Eden Prairie offers the benefit of both local arts classes plus nature-based classes at the University of Minnesota’s Landscape Arboretum in nearby Chanhassen where there are a restaurant, art gallery, gorgeous gardens,  hardy woodlands, wetlands and spectacular prairies to hike through on their 12.5 miles of paths. I really enjoy stress free time here in addition to their lecture series.

The last class that I took there was Therapeutic Horticulture where we learned about biophilia (the instinctive connection between humans and nature) and different therapies for a variety of illnesses or disorders. That class on the psychological orientation towards nature was for credit. This time around I’ll be taking Make and Take Stone Sculptures and Autumn Botanical Arrangements as well as an August class in Fire in the Garden Grilling (Beyond the Barbequed Burger) and hopefully some “greenlist” classes which are spur of the moment type class offerings that occur within the day or week of being posted. These classes don’t even make it into the calendar because they are so short notice. I prefer them because less people show up. However, I do like getting lost in a crowd where others are the center of attention.

These classes are so inexpensive with membership plus they help one socialize in a structured atmosphere which I prefer because then I don’t necessarily have to speak when I don’t want to; instead, it is instructor driven with question and answers, usually by only a handful of the participants. I really enjoy that plus it benefits me with my schizophrenia in that I get to use fine motor skills, as well as the socialization factor and the fact that I have to sit still for a prolonged period of time. Staying still is a difficulty for me but I’m working towards a solution with these classes plus I hope these will decrease my overt/positive (delusions, hallucinations, and social disinhibition) symptoms even more so that I can be listed as in remission (six months symptom free w/ the aid of medications).

Schizophrenia: a chemical imbalance in the brain

easier to build child than repair adult

I’m starting to get feedback on my latest book, Resilience throughout Recovery; A Memoir of my Journey through Mental Illness. What I’ve noticed most are the common misconceptions: that my schizophrenia was caused by a dysfunctional family life and that it is cultural in nature. However, both of those are wrong.

every social economic demographicMy onset of schizophrenia didn’t occur until long after I’d left home. I was twenty-six years old and just starting college when the hallucinations began. Yes, I did have a dysfunctional childhood and I had to get over that just like anybody else that experienced similar. That did not cause my schizophrenia. And while my Native American uncle is both my Christian godfather and a medicine man, those cultural beginnings did not cause my schizophrenia. That misconception delayed my diagnosis for years. My immediate family thought that my hallucinating my deceased grandmother and aunt was part of my Native American culture. It was not. Schizophrenia is caused by an imbalance in the chemistry of the brain. Genetics may play a role but culture definitely does not.

Social Isolation

letgoorbedragged

Avoiding others is something that I have to constantly work at because of things like side effects and memories of bad experiences such as hearing voices in the phone and not being able to discern what was real and what was not. It became difficult to have a conversation when so many voices were going off as well as distractions from visions. My thoughts would also become jumbled during conversations due to added anxiety. That is why I need to work my hardest at staying connected to others and put aside the fear of meeting strangers in a new energy healing class, qigong seminar or self-compassion/psychological wellbeing lecture that I’m interested in…and just go with the flow.

Psychosis

Schizophrenia symbol conceptual design

My psychotic break or nervous breakdown occurred over a six month period. Initially, there were confusing voices and overwhelming smells but that progressed into debilitating paranoia, delusion, and non-stop hallucinations. I refused medication because I thought it would cloud thought processes which were relaying danger, danger, danger…. I was worried that my family and I wouldn’t be safe if I took the medication. I thought the dead woman that lives inside our home would cause us harm. Plus I was concerned that it (meds) would control my thoughts and take over our wellbeing so that we couldn’t deal with the watchers. In reality, it was all unreal. In the emergency room, I was forced to take Seroquel which knocked me out. It was in the moments upon awakening that I realized all the voices, visions, smells, and sounds STOPPED. It was quiet for the first time in a long while. Fortunately, for me, family members made certain that I stayed on the medication regimen. Yes, it has gone through changes where I’ve had to switch meds but all in all the majority of the hallucinations and delusions have stayed away. Stressors still bring on bouts but for the most part the drug therapy helps. At first, I kept in mind that I could always stop the meds and bring back the positive hallucinations; but I now know the bad will come along with the good. While I miss the visions of my deceased grandma and aunt, I don’t miss the bad spirits.

Managing Schizophrenia with Atypical Anti-psychotics

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Abilify vs. Seroquel: for me it’s a toss up. While Abilify controls hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia, it doesn’t work as well during stressful experiences. Seroquel does work during chaotic times, however, the downside is that I have extremely negative side effects with the Seroquel, such as agitation and anger. I’m not talking rage but more disorderly conduct like getting kicked out of the library because I had a fit when my books on hold were misplaced. The bad side effects from Abilify for me are akathisia (restlessness) and tremors (hands shaking). Quetiapine (Seroquel) also sparked weight gain for me which the aripiprazole (Abilify) does not. All in all, I prefer the Abilify because it doesn’t cause cognitive issues in me the way the Seroquel did. That being said, I keep Seroquel around to subdue myself during the worst of moments. Both drugs side effects bring about social withdrawal because I don’t want outsiders to see the tremors or anger. On the horizon, my psychiatrist says there is Latuda, should things turn downward with my current regimen of Abilify, Gabapentin, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin. He holds out great hope for that one…and it’s nice to know there is always hope.

Hello world!

Author Images
Author Images

I’m an enrolled member of the Sisseton-Wahpeton Oyate. Thanks in part to fantastic foster parents, sassy social workers, and outstanding teachers, I’m a family-focused parent of four wonderful young adults. I’ve self-published four fiction novels under a pseudonym, Peyton Mathie. Those accounts were based on my life stories. Although I’m a native of the Lake Traverse reservation in South Dakota, I  lived in Brooklyn, New York off and on throughout my childhood. Currently, I reside in Eden Prairie, Minnesota with my family. My hobbies include yoga, MBSR, camping, budget travel, and painting.

Note: The pseudonym was derived from the first name of my daughter’s childhood friend and the surname of a coworker at approximately the same time frame. In one I saw signs of my past and the latter, hopefully, my future.

My Library at LibraryThing