What is my biggest worry or fear? Does it limit how I live my life?

Psychosis is my biggest worry and fear. However, I try to not let it navigate my life. As long as I take the prescribed medications, talk to my therapist monthly, and see my psychiatrist every two to three months, I should be okay.

While there are voices a few times a week, I’ve grown used to them. Most often it is like a radio in the background playing multiple channels at once.  Sometimes, a recurring voice tells me things that seem to be based on my mood as to whether or not the message is negative or positive. 

The difficulty that exists is when the voices occur when I’m in a public place. Sometimes, I think people catch me looking around for the source, only to deem I’m either distracted or impatient. I’m okay with that.

My biggest fear used to be whether or not my grown kids would have schizophrenia but thankfully, none of them do. My psychiatrist says that for me it was most likely a combination of a dysfunctional childhood that added to marriage stressors, and a predisposition brought about my psychosis and resulting diagnosis. 

So, since I’m immensely grateful for the kids being spared, I’ll take it and manage it to the best of my abilities. Fortunately, my therapist taught me coping mechanisms that include distracting behaviors like counting all the blue objects in the room, tapping my fingernails, or placing ice on the sensitive spot underneath my eyes. In the event, the voices are ever negative, I’ve learned to converse with them and ask them why they feel the way they are. That typically ends the experience. Do I wish that I didn’t have them? Of course. But like I mentioned up above, I’d rather endure them than if one of my grown kids were to have them. I’m certain any parent would feel likewise.