Outsider in My Own Culture

Wherever I go in public, it seems like I’m an outsider. First of all, I’m part Native American; therefore, I’ve never been considered completely “white”. Secondly, due to my lighter appearance, I’ve never been thought of as American Indian. Then there is where I live–Eden Prairie; it is a special place where I also don’t feel as if I belong. Neighboring suburbs poke fun at Eden Prairie for being too affluent, arrogant and ignorant. And, I don’t know if it is due to my mental illness; but I find myself out of place wherever I go in public, especially so in my own community which is why I take so many classes in adjacent towns like Chanhassen, Bloomington, or Minneapolis.

It makes me think of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Wherever You Go, There You Are. I’m comfortable in my own skin, just not when I’m around other people where I have to communicate my intentions or opinions. I’m at peace on my own, and very mindful, perhaps too mindful. I’m not looking for a quick fix, as I don’t believe such exist. I’m the type of person who can get too lost in a good book or basking in the moment. Looking inwards can become surreal. So how can I feel like an insider as opposed to an outsider without losing touch with reality? I guess I have to turn back to another book that I frequent, Richard Carlson’s Shortcut through Therapy, which really isn’t a quick fix as the title implies.  His simple yet profound ten steps keep me from those radical “thought tornadoes” (thinking traps) as Kathy Emerson-Marshall of the National Resiliency Resource Center refers to them. My favorites of Richard Carlson’s steps are: “know your own mood, letting go of negative mind-states, count your blessings, and now is the time to live”. Doing all of his ten things, especially counting my blessings such as the connectedness of my immediate family and support structure is what gets me from one day to the next.

Author: angelagrey

Angela Grey is an Indigenous novelist, poet, and painter whose work explores the intersections of memory, identity, and healing. She, formerly an architectural drafter, studied creative writing, as well as spirituality and healing, at the University of Minnesota, where she deepened her commitment to storytelling as both an art and a form of medicine. Alongside her writing, Angela finds balance in yoga and Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), which shape the reflective quality of her work. She lives in Eden Prairie, Minnesota, with her husband, one spirited pup, and four cats. When she’s not writing, she enjoys camping, budget travel to places like Maine, Oregon, and the coastal Carolinas, and gathering with family around a BBQ grill. View all posts by angelagrey